Miss me?

So, the other night, a new acquaintance and friend says to me, “You know, you’re a really good writer.” I was thinking to myself…what the hell is he talking about?! Turns out he read my blog (to which I am thinking I have unnecessarily neglected). Amazing how it just takes a comment from a friend to realize that one of your best outlets has not been utilized in quite some time. You guys miss me??

Oh the happenings in Prenny’s life right now. This princess has definitely become a Lost Kitty as of late. I have been reflecting on my life frequently as of late and yet again I find myself sitting here in the dark with my computer in the wee small hours of the morning. These precious hours are truly the only quiet time that I actually have anymore. The children grow older and with school age children it means more activities, more time consumption and less time for Mommy. For a mom who works nights into these wee small hours four nights a week, time alone is very precious…but never coming before time for those wonderful little miracles.

My wonderful children…I cannot even express how inspiring they have become and how much I cherish my time with them. They do admittedly drive me crazy from time to time and that has definitely been reflected in my facebook status: “OMG I so need a glass of some sort of alcohol RIGHT NOW or I'm going to sell my kids on eBay today.....That bottle of UV Cake Vodka and Cranberry Juice is taunting me from the other room.....Kids: 1 Mom: 0.....Kids: mom! Mom! Mom! Cake Vodka: Don't listen to those brats.....” Despite my rantings about them, they are the most important things to me in the world and I would not trade them for ANYTHING! No matter how crazy my life has become lately, they are truly the best parts of my day. The smiles, happy screeching of my name and bear hugs when they first wake up in the morning truly is the best wakeup call I could ever ask for. The little kisses, forehead rubs from Iain, Lorelei just wanting to hold my hand and lean her head on me…makes my heart melt every time. They’ve been through some rough times too and I am so glad to be there for them every day and every step of the way.

So, what about the Lost Kitty? She is trying to find her way again. The Lost Kitty has had some rough times herself lately. At the end of May, this Lost Kitty voluntarily admitted herself to a crisis care program. After too many weeks of endless crying, sleepless nights and thinking of everyday scenarios that might end all of her pain and suffering forever, she decided it was time to seek further help of a professional kind. Even though the Lost Kitty is a stubborn kitty, she will occasionally admit defeat. Perhaps as a tool of healing, I shall use this blog once again as a therapeutic tool and describe this hot mess in further detail…..The title shall be….

The Journey of Lost Kitty

…..Trying to find her way home to herself…..

Sounds good, right? Maybe this Lost Kitty’s journey will help another lost kitty find her way home too.

Life As We Know It...

Life as We Know It

Standing outside on my front porch, talking to my husband. It was not an unusual activity. Watching our friend’s dog as he paced around the front yard, marking his territory the best his poor arthritic body would let him. I hear a jingling coming from somewhere, source unknown.

Out pops a little dog. A dog we are unfamiliar with, but small and seemed friendly. Of course, Tommy, our friend’s dog, was totally taken by surprise. He was very sure that this dog was breaking some sort of territorial law or something. With fur standing on end, he goes to confront this stranger. Not knowing how he was going to react and the fact that he has most definitely reached his senior years, I followed. This little dog seemed so curious. He had tags but was still a bit jumpy being in a new yard. Tommy continued his advance, closer and closer to the edge of the property.

My husband comes down to try to call this newcomer over to check his tags while I held Tommy by the collar. Something started this little guy and he took off for the end of our driveway. He jumped out into the street just as a neighbor was pulling by. The driver swerved and missed this dog by maybe a foot or two as he darted into the brush of someone else’s yard.

In that instant, my husband and I both audibly gasped. We both really felt that this poor little dog was not going to survive. Maybe the driver was not going to see the dog or maybe the dog in his nervousness would dart in the wrong direction. Luckily for all, it worked out.

This got me thinking though. Live every moment as if it is your last. That dog could have died, or been injured beyond repair. Think of how many mundane things you do every day that could kill you. Driving down the end of the street, walking through a parking lot or walking to your mailbox. Without a second thought, you could be dead. You would be gone in some sort of terrible accident. Those are just the normal everyday things you could be doing. I would hate to imagine the abnormal things that could happen while you are just in your own home.

Events like these make you think. You begin to question the things you have done and the things that you will do. You think about all of your loved ones and perhaps if you tell them how meaningful they are to you or if you have told them you love them enough. You wonder if your family will be taken care of when you are gone. Will you be missed? How will you survive during whatever comes after your “living” life when you are “in the beyond,” without those important people?

I will have to ponder this subject a bit more and see what I come up with. Please, if anyone has input…have at it. I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on this subject.

Until then…

In progress...

Current blog in process....

It’s hard to write a good blog sometimes while constantly being interrupted. When so many things in your life seem to be crumbling at once...you become easily distracted. Impossible becomes the ability to find a solid block of time to sit and compose a meanigful blog with the exception of the wee hours of the morning when all is quiet and fast asleep.

I am sure you are all excited at the prospect of my new blog. Check out the blog of Keith McLain (located on facebook). He recently wrote a good piece.

So, while you sit biting your fingernails with the anxious feeling of awaiting my newest release, send someone you love a bumper sticker or flair on whichever time wasting social website you use. Even better, add the blog application and write some creativity of your own.

So long for now…

Friends

They say that a good friend will bail you out of jail, but a TRUE friend will be sitting right next to you.

As one gets older, you evaluate your life. You pick through every aspect of your life with a fin toothed comb. You realize that you are not as young as you once were. You lose a certain amount of friends once you are married. Couple become so involved with each other that a lot of relationships with friends are put on the back burner. God forbid you have children. Then all your single friends really want nothing to do with you. You become aged. You no longer do all the fun and crazy things you did pre-children. You don't go to the bars, you don't stay out at house parties and keggers until all hours. You just are there. All of your free time is consumed by the wonderful miracles of life we call children.

Then, some of your friends come to call again. They realize that you really aren't that different than you were before. You are the same person, you just have "mini-me's" running around. You may be a little more tired than you used to be, but generally, not much has changed.

I have lost friends before simply to the fact that I am a young mother. You feel like you have wasted years of your life on creating a bond of friendship that walks out the door at the drop of your hat. Then, eventually, you make new friends. The kind of friends that you have desired to have your whole life. When you call and tell them something horrible has happened, instead of saying, "Oh, that sucks," they say, "What can I do to help?" Why are those friends so difficult to find? The ones that will help you move without hesitation. The kind of friends that will help you clean up your house and cook and set up for your daughter's 2nd birthday party. The kind that can change your toddler's poopy diaper without flinching. The ones that will pick you up somewhere seriously out of there way when you are totally stranded and your car breaks down.

Those people are so few and far between now. These people that are actually capable of loyalty and true friendship. They can be honest with you. They can tell you when you look fat in your favorite old pair of jeans or when you have some spinach in your teeth.

"It's not the quantity of friends that you have, it's the quality."

Keep your close friends close. Those people are rare diamonds in the rough and should be treated with the utmost respect and love. To my friends, the ones I can truly call friends, I raise my glass. I toast to your love, respect, honesty, loyalty and honor. Thank you for being my friends.

Insomnia and Anxiety

Exhausted I sit, awaiting the luxury of sleep. Once again, the wonders of pregnancy have robbed me of those precious few winks I so desire. This time, insomnia has had an accomplice - anxiety. Fear and panic grip my mind as I try to drift into the Sandman's open and inviting arms. I close my eyes in hope of visions of what my unborn child will look like, my son's looks of excitement as we decorate his new room or my two-year-old daughter attempting to dance to the musical wonders of The Beatles. Instead of this desired bliss, terrifying images of horrible car accidents involving my family, serious illness taking my precious lives of my children and me being powerless to stop any of it rip vividly through my mind.

This kind of anxiety and panic causes me to rise out of my bed, careful as to not disturb my peacefully sleeping husband, and quietly creep across the hall to the bedroom that my two beautiful children currently share. The eldest, my son, stirs and rolls over. I tip-toe to his bedside, tuck him snugly back under his covers and hush him back to sleep. I caress his head softly and kiss his forehead to keep him far into dreamland. I sneak across the room, carefully avoiding the lego rendition of the 'Titanic' on the floor. My daughter slowly opens her big eyes as I reach the side of her crib. She sleepily reaches up for me. I scoop her and her favorite blankie up in my arms and she immediately snuggles into my chest, wrapping her little arms around my neck. I take her into my room and lay her between me and my husband, protectively cradling her in my arms as I once did following her birth. I kiss her soft cheek and she wraps her fingers around my thumb. When I whispered, "I love you," she whispered back, "I love you too." Tears fill my eyes and swiftly run down my cheeks.

If my bed were larger and if I could have actually physically lifted my seven-year-old out of bed, I surely would have done so. I would have plucked him out of his bed and tucked him securely next to his daddy and sister. With my family tucked safely in my bed, perhaps I would have stood a slight chance at falling asleep.

Where do these thoughts and feelings of anxiety come from? I have been through this before. I have sought advice from professionals, even professionals with personal experience! I have gotten through these panic attacks before. These thoughts are so far fetched and yet I cannot push them from my mind. What is worse is that they show up in my mind completely univited! No manners whatsoever! Damn anxiety. No consideration for anyone else.

Those who have not suffered this anxiety or panic attacks probably brush it off as nonsense or a bunch of over diagnosed propaganda. Try to put yourself in those shoes for just one minute. Imagine hours upon hours of crying. During the crying, you lose all sense of control over any aspect of your life. Your world is crumbling around you. You have visions of those you love dying before your eyes, just out of your reach. You cannot breathe. You feel like you are going to hyperventilate and your heart is beating so rapidly and strongly it is literally going to beat right out of your chest onto the floor. Now, you imagined that for just a minute. Imagine how that must feel for hours.

Now we come to the issue at hand. How do I actually accomplish my goal of these wee small hours - SLEEP? After cuddling with my children, lots of uncontrollable crying and attempting to curl up with my sleeping husband, here I sit still awake. Thus far, distraction is not working. I am too distracted to read and actually enjoy the contents of my wonderful historical romance. I am physically too tired to do anything requiring use of my fine motor skills, such as the christmas needlepoint project I started last week. I do not want to be alone so sitting on the couch channel surfing is completely out of the question. So it would appear my options are nothing, nothing and NOTHING. How do other people cope with this severe anxiety?

Tomorrow, well technically today if you want to argue about it, the goal will be to further research coping methods of anxiety. I know I am not the only person out there suffering from this terrible ordeal. I am not the only one who has hopelessly cried for hours until my body no longer produces tears.

I am NOT in search of sympathy or pity. I just want to speak out and perhaps help others whom suffer from this horrendous anxiety realize that they do not suffer alone. I shall document my research findings. I hope that my findings will help others.

Please leave comments.

So, come fellow anxious insomniacs! Let us face the darkest shadows of night together! Let us conquer this beast, torches and pitchforks in hand! Let us fight this demon TOGETHER!!

The Fiery Cross

I have been deeply involved in the reading of a series by Diana Gabaldon. The first of these books was Outlander. I have just finished The Fiery Cross and have moved on now to A Breath of Snow and Ashes.

As the fifth installment of her series, Diana Gabaldon pulled me into the world of the time traveling Fraser family once again. Claire and her husband, Jamie have now traveled across oceans to continue their legacy of love for each other starting a new life in the Carolinas.

Starting with a gathering of the Scottish Clans in the Americas, this book paints a brilliant picture of life starting out in Pre-Revolutionary North Carolina. Gabaldon's expert story telling makes every page jump with her sexy combination of humor, wild adventure and above all, the power of love. The passion shared between Claire and Jamie is a powerful story of love that could last an eternity!

I loved this book! I have loved every book in the series thus far. Being on what seems to be the last book has been almost disappointing. You wish that a series like that could last forever. I have recently discovered that she appears to have made a series out of one of the characters from the Outlander Series, Lord John Grey. I will hopefully be starting that series after this one.

The Outlander seried consists of:
1. Outlander
2. Dragonfly in Amber
3. Voyager
4. Drums of Autumn
5. The Fiery Cross
6. A Breath of Snow and Ashes

They are all fabulous! You will love every minute if you love historical romance! She has written several others which I am going to look into. I will also post reviews of some of her other works as well. You can purchase The Fiery Cross of course at your local Borders or Barnes and Noble, but you could purchase online from Amazon.com with this link.

Happy Reading my friends!

http://www.amazon.com/Outlander-Diana-Gabaldon/dp/0385319959/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_a

Motherhood and it's Infinite Wonders

Motherhood, motherhood. Where would this world be without motherhood and it's mothers? We are a backbone to what we call human existence and yet so many do not give it the credit it deserves. How many childless people have said, "Oh it must be nice to just stay home with the kids all day,"?? Are they NUTS?! They think it is an easy task, like we sit here while the kids play nicely so I can sip my starbucks frappucino and file my nails. Get a grip people.

I am a mother myself, expecting my third child due in October. Can I just tell you how "easy" it is to chase around an insanely active two-year-old running around after her even more insanely active seven-year-old brother sporting this basketball on my stomach? Oh yeah...totally easy. I cannot even tell you how many times a day I ask myself how my own mother did it and how in the world we turned out so well. She didn't ship us off to daycare so she could join the workforce. She was there for us. I realize with my mother out of town visiting friends for the next few weeks how even now, as an adult, I would truly be lost without her. How in the world did she handle us all so well? Her advice is the sweet nectar of life on occasion and I feel as though I could not survive without it.

I wish it were easier, being a mother. It's really hard. I am responsible for human life here. It is my "job" to see that they are raised properly...good morals, upstanding beliefs, understanding of right and wrong, proper manners, etc. That is a lot of pressure on both me and my husband. Then you teach your children all of these great things and BOOM!! here comes the outside world, waiting in the wings to try to open their eyes to crazy misconceptions and turn them into lemmings for the "real world." Then these wonderful beings you helped mold and create, now are filled with doubt and lack self confidence that they once had. Everyone criticizes how they were raised and if there are any problems it becomes "the mother's fault."

There is not a perfect way to raise your children. Why is is not recognized as hard work? There are days I am totally jealous watching my husband drive off to work to his kid-free 9-5 job. I am jealous of his adult interaction all day, his ability to take a 15 minute break or a lunch to just do whatever he wants. I am lucky I am getting these few precious minutes to write this stuff down while my daughter is taking a nap and my son is occupied with the Cartoon Network. There are moments where I just want to break down and cry and rip all my hair out; like this morning when all my 2-year-old daughter would do is scream. You look at her, she screams. You talk to her, she screams. You ask her to do something, she screams. I'm not talking she just screams for a second. I'm talking blood-curdling, top of her lungs for as long as she can banshee screaming. Do you know how loud that is?? It's amazing I have any ability to hear at all. I think it is time to invest in some ear plugs.

I suppose to end this rant, I will say this. I applaude the work force, but for the stay-at-home mothers of the world, I give you a standing ovation. We are all working together to raise the future of the world and without us....there would be no future.